Streets Ahead is the column
from London Walks' Pen David
Tucker…
Q. What's wrong with guidebooks?
A. They don't work.
Here's a picked-at-random example. It's a
short passage from a London guidebook that's pretty good given the inherent
limitations of the species.
Reads as follows:
"The boundary between the City and
Westminster does not run in straight lines. It crosses Bell Yard from left to right,
runs along the front of the buildings and passes through the middle of the
block at Nos. 11-12. It is marked by a small plaque at each point high up on
the wall."
Initial reaction: it's anything but a pure
"read. You wouldn't take it to bed. Or curl up in an armchair with it, a
steaming cuppa at the ready.
I mean I suppose you could enlist the
services of a map - bring the prose and the map to bear on the question of the
whereabouts of that boundary line. But as "experiences" go... Well,
you'll get my drift.
But horses for courses. If it's not an
armchair read maybe it comes into its own "out in the field." A
reasonable supposition, surely.
Reasonable. But dead reckoning wrong.
I took it out "in the field" -
took it for a test drive.
What a pain in the backside.
It's three sentences. Sentence one -
"The boundary between the City and Westminster does not run in straight
lines" - is fine, a step into the woods.
But one step into the woods and you're
lost.
"It crosses Bell Yard from left to
right..." That "left to right" is presumably looking up Bell
Yard. But then where does this "guide" take us? Is "runs along
the front of the buildings" going along Fleet Street? Or up Bell Yard?
(Bell Yard runs north from Fleet Street between the Royal Courts of Justice and
the Bank of England pub.)
And "middle of the block" which
the boundary line "passes through" - is that "block" as in
American city block? Or British "block" as in a block of flats or
offices?
The dismalest disappointment, though, is
that last sentence. "It is marked by a small plaque at each point high up
on the wall."
God is in the details and "small
plaque[s]...high up on the wall", well, in this game that's the equivalent
of spotting a Pallas's Leaf Warbler.
Alas, no joy. Not only are the "small
plaque[s]" missing in action, same goes for the building itself. Or does
it? There is a building there. And it's not new. But "Nos. 11-12" -
well and truly MIA. There's an office there named? numbered? 9-12. But that's
not the same thing at all.
And as long as we're at it, what does
"at each point" mean, refer to?
"High up on the wall" is pretty
clear - that's where I was looking, where I was "directed" to look by
my, er, helpful "guide". Directed to look to no avail - because there
were no small plaques up there, let alone "points" they were marking.
So where's that leave us? Well, in my case
I left 20 minutes or so there "on the field". Came away empty handed,
empty eyed, no small plaques, nothing in return for the investment of my time
and effort.
No, I did get something in return - I got a
measure of frustration, disappointment, and general cheesed off-ness. Let alone
a fresh reminder of what it is I don't like about guidebooks.
As for the plaques and the question of
their whereabouts and where that leaves us - they've left us.
Now if I'd been with a guide - and the
plaques were there to see - (s)he would have taken me to them, pointed them
out, I would have seen them. Whole thing would have taken about 20 seconds.
Q. What's right with guides?
A. They work.
A
London Walk costs £9 – £7 concession. To join a London Walk, simply meet your
guide at the designated tube station at the appointed time. Details of all
London Walks can be found at www.walks.com.
